WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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