Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
