In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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