So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
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I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
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We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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