What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
