My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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