okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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