so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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