She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
