It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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