im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
