Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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