I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
