I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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