Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
