i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
