Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You need Xanax blowdarts
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
