watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
