in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
