if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
