I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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