Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
