Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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