I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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