I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
