We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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