so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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