There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
