did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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