A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
