She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize