so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
