my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
