Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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