Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
