Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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