Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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