someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
