he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
