The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
