Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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