fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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