Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
