I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
