Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
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