drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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