So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
