I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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