Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
