why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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