At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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