You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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