I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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