Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
