I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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