Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
